Culture vs Behavior- The Case of Adultery

During my time here I have found that culture is used as an excuse for poor behavior way too often, especially when it comes to adultery.

Not only is adultery common in Malawi; it is almost expected. I have met many women in Malawi that have just resigned to the fact that they are being cheated on. They say that it makes them angry, but they really can’t do anything about it.

Well, “In our culture” this and “in our culture” that……

I am so sick of hearing men talk this way. It is infuriating. One example of this is in an interview we did with a local musician. This man is in his 40’s and plays sometimes with Andrew Finn at one of the nice restaurants in town. We’ll call him J. The interview was going fine, talking about the power of music and all that jazz, until he started talking about how the spread of HIV is mostly the fault of women, not men:

J: “There are lots of bad ladies. Lots of them. So what happens- you go to a pub to drink, you find that there are some very beautiful ladies more beautiful than your wife. Ehh? That is very beautiful. How can you feel? And that lady is coming, saying “Hiiii…..”

…. laughing the whole time elbowing Andrew as if to say, “You know what I mean?”

So, trying to be patient, I asked, “Well, what can the men do?” Here is the response I got:

J: “It is very difficult for men because, you know, black people, we are different than azungu. I think it’s the way we are born. We are different. I am telling you, our culture is different. Chinese, they’ve got their own culture, Japanese, American, their own culture. Even Africa. Even Malawi, we have got different cultures. And most of black people, we like ladies very much. Too much. Too much. For us… there another word in English--- if you don’t use condom what you should do—what you should do to prevent HIV—Abstinence! That’s the word. So for us, to abstain, is difficult.”

Me: “So you think it is easier for white men to abstain?”

J:“Yeah, yeah, because of your culture. You know I’ve been meeting lots of white people. Because sometimes when I see you and Andrew, you are walking together, chatting, doing everything together I can just think, ‘that is her boyfriend, that is her girlfriend.’ But sometimes, in you, it is not like that. You can work together, you can even sleep in the same bed, but you won’t have sex. Because you need to agree. Do you understand? You need to agree.”

                                             

Andrew: “Well, you need to agree in any culture.”

J: “But for us, if I can have time with you (gesturing to me) walking together, what what what, I can not abstain myself, I will still be pushing you- I want to sleep with you. We are walking together, doing everything together, I will I just want to sleep with you.  But for azunugu, it is not possible like that. As I have said, when I have met other people at Cape MaClear when I see them, walking together, swimming together, like an in-love situation. But when I go and chat with them, they say, “No, this is just my friend” “HOW?” “I have been traveling with them to 5 or 6 countries, but we have never slept together.” So that’s why I am saying that for black people like us- this is very difficult.”

After this he went on to tell us all about his sexcapades he had back in the day before he stopped drinking (props for giving up alcohol) and how he has never been tested for HIV. 

Here he is talking about how he educates people on HIV through music 

and he hasn’t even gotten a blood test.

Then I thought about his wife. And how it is very possible that they both have HIV because he slept with so many prostitutes. And how he is too big of a coward to get tested because in “his culture” he believes that he can heal himself. I almost walked out of the interview. Andrew and Jon could see that I was fuming, as well as J. At the end he looked at me and laughed. When we got in the car I asked the boys if they wanted me to be diplomatic or honest. They said honest and I said:

 “ #1) He is full of shit #2) THAT IS NOT CULTURE. THAT IS WEAKNESS.”

I am over trying to be diplomatic all the time and I am over men using culture as an excuse for poor behavior, behavior that endangers not only their lives but the lives of their wives and children as well. Quit excusing yourself.

As Andrew said the other day,

                 “All it takes to have sex is a penis. But it takes balls to say no.”

It’s time for a lot of men in Malawi, and elsewhere, to grow a pair. 

Lessons from Grace: Part 1

 I am living with a dream. That dream is named Grace MacNair. Every single day she teaches me so much about…….everything. Is it weird to look up to someone younger than you?! I say nay!! I totally admire my new housemate, though she is 1.5 years younger than me. That don’t mean nothin. Anyway, I started compiling the following list so I wouldn’t forget all of the many things I learn from Grace each day, most of which deal with food and birth. I am aware that some of them may expose what a lack of common sense I have. Aint no shame:

1)    When you make rice, don’t stir it. Makes the texture so much better!

2)    There are 4 types of placenta praevia

3)    Meconium = newborn baby poop. Sometimes it can come out and land all over the person delivering. Yum.

4)    Don’t rinse off tomatoes before storing them because it takes off their protective layer

5)    Papaya, if eaten in high amounts, can be a natural form of birth control. 

6)    The healing powers of ginger root. One morning my stomach was up in arms and Grace boiled some water with cut up ginger in it, put in some honey, and voila. I was completely better in 1 hour.

7)    The best position for giving birth is squatting, not laying on your back on a table (like I grew up seeing on TV)

8)    Obstetric fistula is a condition that develops during birth where a hole develops either between the vagina and the rectum or the vagina and the bladder, causing either feces or urine to freely flow out of the vagina at all times. This is very common in Malawi for a number of reasons and most of the time a woman’s husband will leave her if she has this condition.

9)  It is NOT that hard to take a bucket bath. Just heat up some water, put it in a bucket, and pour it on yourself. Hello duh. 

And most importantly:

10) You have to know what you don’t want in life as much as you know what you do want. 

More to come.

june flowers

The Sexiness of Community

I’ve posed this question on my blog before, but why is it considered so much sexier to travel and volunteer abroad?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the importance of community. I used to scoff at people who would talk about others who “did a lot for their community,” thinking that that was boring, and why did they stop themselves there- why didn’t they try to get out of their community? As I get older I see how naïve I was to think of those people as naïve. Now I think they’re the ones that have it all figured out. Not to say that it isn’t important to travel and see other parts of the world. I personally would not have made this realization had I not traveled first in Europe, then in Africa.

Take for example a recent UNC graduate Kane Smego. I met Kane through my best friend Mariah a few years ago and have since seen him become such an important part of the Chapel Hill/Carrboro community. I don’t know him that well, but do know that he has traveled extensively but chooses to put his life work and energy into his community in a number of ways, especially through the art of spoken word. He is very active in the Northside community and has started a youth spoken-word group with his friend CJ Suitt, also an incredible spoken word artist and active community member. I saw a performance of this group when I was at home in April and was so inspired. This is just the tip of the iceberg of what Kane has done in his community and to me Kane proves that investing in your community reaps so many benefits, and can even be sexier than traveling abroad.

None of this is to say that you can’t create community wherever you are. That is totally possible. Finn and I definitely have a community here… but it will never be home. Community abroad is a weird thing because our community consists almost entirely of other foreigners. The same happened in Tanzania- the people I keep in touch with the most are other foreigners that I lived and volunteered with. Sure, I definitely connected with the children I worked with when I visited the TunaHAKI community every day, but I would never be able to call myself a true member of that community.

Some may argue this may not be the case for those who choose to be “out in the bush” and make it a priority to be the only white person around. But at the end of the day and at the end of that experience, to where do they usually return? Home. While they could have been a part of a foreign community for some time, will they ever really be able to call themselves a full-fledged member? How much rides on your place of origin, and how much rides on your skin color? I don't have the answers. 

      Through all of this I have gathered that there are both benefits and drawbacks in being bicultural, but the one big drawback that is keeping me from pursuing a life abroad is that of transient or half-assed community. Some people may not agree with this notion and that is totally fine- I applaud anyone who feels they are truly able to find a fulfilling community in a developing country, especially a white person in Malawi. I know now that my community is in America, namely North Carolina. I have noticed in the past that I have tried to rid myself of that, as there are plenty of things about North Carolina that I don’t like. However, now I see that it is not a bad place to call home- not only is it not bad, but I am incredibly proud when I tell people where I am from. Am I a citizen of the world? In some ways, sure. I’ve been to a few places. But that doesn’t mean I have to spend my life on the road. It can mean that with whatever small amount I have learned through my brief traveling stints I can be a better community member at home. Sure, I still have plenty I want to see and definitely plan on traveling in the future, but not with the same motivation I have had in the past of trying desperately to make a brand new community. I have to nurture the one that is already home in my own unique and sexy way. 

Picture update

Hello all! Has been a while since a plain ol' update of sorts. Malawi Round 2 is so much better in so many ways- mainly because of 2 fabulous people Finn and I are living with now:

The Fabulous, Curly- Headed, Birth-Loving Doula Grace MacNair:

and the Passionate, Talented, Hilarious Documentarian Jon Haas

I met them both at UNC and now we are all, as Grace says, "heart twins" (or quadruplets, if you want to get technical about it). It is actually quite remarkable how well we all get along. Especially, in our brand new kitchen in our new house!!:

Such a great place. SO MUCH BETTER than where we were before..... whew. Good vibes all around. And who do we have to protect us? 2 really great night guards, and 2 REALLY GREAT DOGS!! 

Everyone, I proudly present Bella Luna and Jack:

An American family down the street who has lived here for a few years are headed back home and wanted their dogs to go to a good home here in Malawi. Upon meeting them we were all thrilled and I of course fell in love immediately. They are the SWEETEST dogs. Jack and I go for runs around the neighborhood and Bella and I go for walks (I'm not being sexist, Bella has bad hips and cant really run)

Anyways, I love them a whole whole lot and we have heart talk all the time:

I also recently had heart-talk with THIS LITTLE GUY:

who is not ours but belongs to our friend Amanda. I alllllllmost peed myself. DID YOU SEE HOW SMALL HE IS?!?!:

Ok. Anyways, enough dog pictures. 

One thing I have started doing is a Pastel-A-Day. I began to feel kind of artistically stagnant, especially after being able to play piano WHENEVER I wanted at home, and now it's twice a week if I am lucky. Thus, I sneak away with Jon's pastels every day and do whatever. Here is the one I made on June 8th. I dedicate it to Grace, as she loves pregnant bellies:

It's been really fun. 

Anyways- more updates coming soon. Things are well and moving!

Love

Kaitlin

things to think about

The following is a link to my friend Jackie Stenson's blog. I met her here in Malawi in January. She has been traveling in Africa overland for over a year now and has seen and done so many things. Talking with her for hours and keeping up with her blog has been really eye-opening for me. I encourage whoever reads my blog to read hers as well, especially her "doing it right" segments:

Doing it Right

Reading her blog got me really interested in other people who write about similar issues. I stumbled across this site and have found some really interesting articles. Check out the one on "One Million Shirts For Africa":

Aid Thoughts

My thoughts on aid and development have done a 180 since last year. This started because of this book:

Dead Aid

and continued throughout discussion with people here in Lilongwe who do development work. I am not an economist and dont claim to know anything about the complexities of aid, but I definitely learned a lot reading this book and think everyone should read it.
This article is a pretty good synopsis:

Wall St. Journal Article

Around the same time I came across this site:

What are we doing here?

I havent seen the film but I did explore the website and watch the trailer. I really want to see the whole film.

I was going to write a whole big ol entry about my thoughts on aid and development, but it looks like so many others have already beaten me to the punch. I'll let them do the explaining.

.......just some things to think about. 

Round 2- Here We Go!!!

Greetings from beautiful Malawi!!
After a month and a half at home and 5 wonderful days in London I have arrived safely in Lilongwe. It is much cooler, much drier, and I feel much MUCH better being here now than I did in March.
I realized many things when I was at home, and to explain them all would take way too long. However, the most important thing I've realized is that I don't have to live in fear here. For many reasons I can see now that I was living in fear during Malawi Round 1. This had a lot to do with coming here straight after South Africa, a lot to do with the owners of the house Finn and I lived with, a lot to do with a lot of things. Having gone home and shed this, having dissolved the knot that lived in my chest for so long, I can say now that I am genuinely happy to be back and sleep peacefully now, not with one eye opened like I used to. Safety is still a concern, but the possibility of danger doesn't rule my life now.
My dear friend Hadley told me while I was home to never underestimate the unknown. I really like this idea and, because of my trip home, am able to implement this in my life now. I feel much more positive, much more focused, and much more myself.
Ohhhh what a little trip home can do!!!
So much to write about already, and so much to look forward to!!!
More later
~Kaitlin