Culture vs Behavior- The Case of Adultery

During my time here I have found that culture is used as an excuse for poor behavior way too often, especially when it comes to adultery.

Not only is adultery common in Malawi; it is almost expected. I have met many women in Malawi that have just resigned to the fact that they are being cheated on. They say that it makes them angry, but they really can’t do anything about it.

Well, “In our culture” this and “in our culture” that……

I am so sick of hearing men talk this way. It is infuriating. One example of this is in an interview we did with a local musician. This man is in his 40’s and plays sometimes with Andrew Finn at one of the nice restaurants in town. We’ll call him J. The interview was going fine, talking about the power of music and all that jazz, until he started talking about how the spread of HIV is mostly the fault of women, not men:

J: “There are lots of bad ladies. Lots of them. So what happens- you go to a pub to drink, you find that there are some very beautiful ladies more beautiful than your wife. Ehh? That is very beautiful. How can you feel? And that lady is coming, saying “Hiiii…..”

…. laughing the whole time elbowing Andrew as if to say, “You know what I mean?”

So, trying to be patient, I asked, “Well, what can the men do?” Here is the response I got:

J: “It is very difficult for men because, you know, black people, we are different than azungu. I think it’s the way we are born. We are different. I am telling you, our culture is different. Chinese, they’ve got their own culture, Japanese, American, their own culture. Even Africa. Even Malawi, we have got different cultures. And most of black people, we like ladies very much. Too much. Too much. For us… there another word in English--- if you don’t use condom what you should do—what you should do to prevent HIV—Abstinence! That’s the word. So for us, to abstain, is difficult.”

Me: “So you think it is easier for white men to abstain?”

J:“Yeah, yeah, because of your culture. You know I’ve been meeting lots of white people. Because sometimes when I see you and Andrew, you are walking together, chatting, doing everything together I can just think, ‘that is her boyfriend, that is her girlfriend.’ But sometimes, in you, it is not like that. You can work together, you can even sleep in the same bed, but you won’t have sex. Because you need to agree. Do you understand? You need to agree.”

                                             

Andrew: “Well, you need to agree in any culture.”

J: “But for us, if I can have time with you (gesturing to me) walking together, what what what, I can not abstain myself, I will still be pushing you- I want to sleep with you. We are walking together, doing everything together, I will I just want to sleep with you.  But for azunugu, it is not possible like that. As I have said, when I have met other people at Cape MaClear when I see them, walking together, swimming together, like an in-love situation. But when I go and chat with them, they say, “No, this is just my friend” “HOW?” “I have been traveling with them to 5 or 6 countries, but we have never slept together.” So that’s why I am saying that for black people like us- this is very difficult.”

After this he went on to tell us all about his sexcapades he had back in the day before he stopped drinking (props for giving up alcohol) and how he has never been tested for HIV. 

Here he is talking about how he educates people on HIV through music 

and he hasn’t even gotten a blood test.

Then I thought about his wife. And how it is very possible that they both have HIV because he slept with so many prostitutes. And how he is too big of a coward to get tested because in “his culture” he believes that he can heal himself. I almost walked out of the interview. Andrew and Jon could see that I was fuming, as well as J. At the end he looked at me and laughed. When we got in the car I asked the boys if they wanted me to be diplomatic or honest. They said honest and I said:

 “ #1) He is full of shit #2) THAT IS NOT CULTURE. THAT IS WEAKNESS.”

I am over trying to be diplomatic all the time and I am over men using culture as an excuse for poor behavior, behavior that endangers not only their lives but the lives of their wives and children as well. Quit excusing yourself.

As Andrew said the other day,

                 “All it takes to have sex is a penis. But it takes balls to say no.”

It’s time for a lot of men in Malawi, and elsewhere, to grow a pair.