Is that the best you can do?

The other day I sat down and did a little personal survey of what I have learned since I arrived on this continent last August. I thought about the legacy of apartheid in South Africa, how Africa’s people and resources are in a perpetual state of exploitation, and how seldom you can trust people. I tried to come up with something profound, something positive, something moving. However, the phrase that kept rearing its head despite my efforts to keep it at bay was, “The world is actually a lot shittier than you thought.” Now, c’mon Kaitlin, the eternal optimist, you’ve GOT to do better than that! Is that really the main lesson that I’ve learned in the past 5 months? Then some things I have found frustrating or hard about my time in Africa bubbled up. I shared many of these while I was in South Africa, so I’ll mainly focus on ones I have noticed in Malawi.

First of all, the notion of integrity is a different beast here in that it doesn’t really exist. The fact that I would be able to bribe my way out of anything may seems like it might be cool, but it actually really bothers me. Get caught speeding? Just pay off the cops! Want to break into someone’s house? Just pay off the guards! If the people whose job it is to ensure my safety lack the integrity to refuse a bribe and therefore enforce any form of law, where do I feel safe, and who do I go to? Some friends of ours here had an unfortunate situation years ago in a different part of Malawi where a number of men broke into their house in the middle of the night. When our friends called the cops, nothing happened. They found out later, after time in the hospital, that the crooks had paid off the cops. Lack of trust runs rampant here. I guess it can just never catch up with honesty.

This is also a very private culture in that inviting someone into your home is a huge deal. As a young woman born and raised in the American South, it has been hard for me to adjust to this concept. In Shelby or Carrboro it seems you could give anyone a tour of your house and pretty much say, “and here is my closet with all of my cash/gold/life savings” and not have to worry about a thing. However, here we aren’t even supposed to tell anyone the area we live in. When people ask, we lie, because we were told if word gets around that 2 white people live in Area ___, that could be bad news for us. Already, my housemate has come in laughing because she asked someone on the street if anyone was home (our home) and they replied, “Kate is home, but Finn is not.” I have no idea who said this or how in the hell they know my name, not to mention how they keep track of my whereabouts. Anonymity is not an option here.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; for the most part interactions between whites and blacks here are stiff and mildly uncomfortable because there is usually an undercurrent of $money$. Even with the guards at our house, if I were to become best friends with one of them, at the end of they day I am paying them to provide a service for me. Therefore, money colors the interaction. Even with people outside the house who I can genuinely see being a friend, they will still flash-call me so that I will call them back, and be the one who pays for the call. Because, as we all know, anyone white in this part of the world basically has a 98% chance of being better off financially than anyone black (unless you’re the president), and can therefore better afford the 20 cents for the phone call. When I talk to other white ex-pats about these kinds of things, I usually get this in response:

“Oh, you’ll get used to it.”

What does it say about me if I get used to poverty, to injustice? Is that just a nicer way of saying that I’ll be jaded? Lately I have sensed in myself a slow-spreading apathy to some of these issues, but this must stop. I refuse to become one of those ex-pats who is completely disenchanted with the world, who sees no hope and has no problem criticizing any form of aid or any form of government or basically anything. While I’m way past the point of, “Oh, I just love Africa!!” I never want to reach the point of, “I can’t wait to get off of this hopeless, piece of shit continent.” It amazes me how many people say both of those things. I find it quite hilarious listening to first-time travelers rave, in all seriousness, about "African culture” and “African language” as if they are one and the same. At the same time I find it quite disheartening listening to seasoned-travelers rage, in all seriousness, about things they have no intent on trying to change, as they see no point.

Back to my little mental survey. After mulling over these negative aspects (and many more,) I thought of how I can make the phrase “The world is actually a lot shittier than you thought” sound better, not so defeatist. I still honestly think this is the biggest thing I have learned, in a sense. However, fear not, I still have my head held high. Talking at length with Andrew (Finn) about this, he put it quite perfectly: “I used to be a naïve optimist. Then I was a pessimist. Now I consider myself a realistic optimist. I think that is the only way to be.”

I couldn’t agree more as I have seen a similar journey in myself. So, with that in mind, I would like to rephrase my biggest lesson and put the following in its place:

“True, the world is a lot worse than you used to think. However, that doesn’t mean you should curse humanity and go hide, or drive yourself crazy by trying to fix it. The only thing to do is keep searching for the good, and in the process make your own good”

So, despite the issues I may have with lack of integrity, Malawian culture and white privilege, all I can really do is deal and move on.

No one said it was easy.